


Self-Delusion

by Welfycat



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M, kink bingo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-08-29
Updated: 2010-08-29
Packaged: 2017-10-11 08:31:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/110417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Welfycat/pseuds/Welfycat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Post-Trinity fic. Rodney will do almost anything to regain John's trust.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Self-Delusion

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Kink Bingo 2010, Prompt: Penance/Punishment

 It had been a week since Rodney had destroyed five sixths of the Doranda solar system and he was past ready for everyone to just forget the entire incident and move on. It wasn’t as if they didn’t all nearly die at least once a week as it was. What was one little unimportant solar system in comparison to a Wraith fleet. Rodney doubted that Samantha Carter had gotten this much flak when she’d destroyed a solar system by dropping a Stargate that was connected to a black hole into a sun. Granted, that method of destruction was more elegant. And not an accident. And did happen to take out the majority of a Goa’uld fleet in the process. So it wasn’t really the same thing at all, but still.

Rodney powered down his laptop and shut the lid. Overall, the fallout wasn’t as bad as he had expected. Elizabeth was still giving him condemning frowns in the hallways and the mess hall, but almost everyone else had moved on pretty easily. The other scientists had been the most understanding. The sheer number of times that Rodney had stepped in to prevent one of their projects from ending catastrophically had reinforced the idea that Rodney had no one to do that for him. Rodney was the last on the line, the “buck” stopped with him. In the end, the only person who he wanted to forgive him was the only person who hadn’t; John Sheppard.

John was behaving towards him like he had when they first arrived in Pegasus. Friendly and laid back on the surface, but holding Rodney at arms length like he was just another member of the team, a scientist who couldn’t really be trusted to not get them all killed in the field. Rodney hadn’t really conceptualized how much their friendship had changed until it was suddenly back in this cold, lonely place.

Rodney looked blankly around the lab; everyone else had left long ago. Rodney tucked his laptop under his arm and started walking to the mess hall. It was well past dinner time but there would be food left out for people who worked the night shift. He had just sat down with two sandwiches and a pot of coffee when the doors slid open and John Sheppard entered. Rodney watched as John went to the counter and started preparing a plate for himself. When he finished John slid into the seat across from him and started eating without comment.

“Colonel,” Rodney offered as neutrally as he could.

“McKay,” John responded in between bites.

They sat quietly for several minutes, Rodney cradling his cup of coffee as he watched John eat. He didn’t really feel hungry anymore.

John dropped his napkin on his empty tray and made to stand up.

“Sheppard, wait.” Rodney spoke before he could really stop himself.

John looked up, his expression impossible for Rodney to read. He raised one of his eyebrows, an indication that he was listening, however skeptically.

“You said I could earn back your trust. You said that. But how can I if you don’t let me try?” Rodney asked, unsettled by the hint of desperation he could hear in his own voice.

“It’s been one week, McKay,” John pointed out, folding his arms.

Rodney nodded enthusiastically. “One week. Surely that’s enough time for you to have come up with something. I don’t know. A test maybe? Or something I can do for you. I could recalibrate your shower; hotter water, better efficiency, and maybe even pulsing jets if I can figure out the algorithm.”

John’s eyebrow rose further as he stared at Rodney.

“Okay, not the shower. But something. Anything you want,” Rodney offered.

Something changed in John, his eyebrows lowering and a more thoughtful expression replacing his previous skepticism. “Anything? Do you mean that?”

“Yes,” Rodney said without hesitation, realizing the truth of the matter as he said it. He would do anything to gain back John’s trust.

“Do you trust me?” John asked. The easy tone of voice was betrayed by the way that he was intently staring at Rodney.

The answer took a few seconds longer this time. “Yes.”

John nodded. “Good. If you really want to do this, meet me in my quarters in ten minutes.” He picked up his tray and walked back towards the kitchen.

“Wait? Do what? What are we doing?” Rodney called, caught off guard by the turn in the conversation.

“You said you trust me,” John replied on his way out the door.

Rodney sat, staring dumbfounded at his coffee and his half eaten sandwich. Something had just happened, but Rodney could not figure out exactly what it was. For all his genius when it came to physics, successful relationships and communications with other people often left Rodney completely lost.

When it came down to it, the answer was as easy as a simple logic puzzle. He wanted John’s trust and friendship back. He trusted John. Therefore he would do what John wanted until John trusted him again.

Rodney quickly drank the rest of his lukewarm coffee and put away his tray, wrapping the sandwiches and putting his name on them for later. John’s quarters were a short ride in the transporter away and Rodney was soon standing in the hallway, pressing the door chime before he had a chance to change his mind. The door opened and Rodney stepped into the dim room, searching quickly until he found Sheppard sitting on the edge of his bed.

“Come here,” John instructed in the tone that Rodney had heard John use to give orders to men under his command, but never to Rodney himself.

Rodney walked over, his body reacting before his usually quick mind had time to process the command.

“Pull down your pants and your boxers to your knees.” John continued using his command voice and Rodney found his hands reaching for the button of his pants before he fully realized what John had said.

“What?” The question had come out with a startled squeak.

“You trust me. Right?” John looked up so that they were staring directly at each other.

“Yes.” Rodney repeated. He waited for John to respond but soon realized that he wasn’t going to. He was leaving this up to Rodney. While Rodney hadn’t originally included sexual favors in his concept of the word ‘anything’ it was mostly because he hadn’t imagined that would be something that John would be interested in. He mentally shrugged and unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, pulling them down along with his boxers. He had done stranger things in the name of science, and he was slowly starting to realize that whatever it was that he had John had somehow become almost as important as science.

John nodded once in what seemed like approval. “Lay down over my lap.” He scooted back a little on the bed to give Rodney room.

Rodney considered objecting but figured that he would probably just do as John said anyway. He fought with himself for a moment, caught between fear of what John would do and strange desire of his body to simply respond to John’s words. Finally, he carefully lowered himself over John’s lap, feeling John pull his legs up onto the bed and settle a hand on his back.

There was a moment of quiet as Rodney adjusted to the quick thump of his heart in his ears and managed to slow his breathing to something approaching normal. The first strike caught Rodney completely off guard and he pushed himself to his elbows in a panicked response to the burning on his butt. John’s arm pressed down firmly on his back, offering both comfort and restraint.

“Do you want to end this?” John asked.

Rodney bit back an impulsive affirmative and shook his head, lowering his head and shoulders back down onto the bed. His entire body tensed in anticipation, now that he knew what to expect and John stroked his back again until he had relaxed some.

The second and third strikes quickly blended into the rest as John’s hand came down over his butt and upper thighs. Rodney shifted uncomfortably at the growing heat, relying on John’s arm over his back to keep him from pulling away.

“Why are we doing this, Rodney?” John asked without breaking his stride.

“Because I want you to trust me again.” Rodney answered, his voice catching slightly.

“I mean what did you do to lose it in the first place?” John continued, a particularly sharp blow landing at the end of his question.

“I blew up Doranda,” Rodney said, trying to pull away again, feeling John’s arm tighten against him as the spanking paused briefly as they adjusted their position. The blows began to come harder and Rodney squirmed, unable to use his knees for leverage while they were trapped together by his pants.

“I made a mistake. I was arrogant and rude. I almost got us killed! What do you want from me?” Rodney was shouting by the end, shocked to find that his face was starting to get wet from tears he wasn’t aware that he was shedding.

“Why did you lose my trust, Rodney?” John asked again, his hand still firm but slowing slightly. “What did you do to me, specifically?”

Rodney pressed his face against his forearms, unable to concentrate past the sensation that John was creating. Each time John’s hand met Rodney’s tender skin he jerked slightly, only the sharpness of an occasional smack keeping him from dropping into some kind of almost relaxed state. “I didn’t listen to you. I didn’t trust you,” Rodney finally gasped, his voice rough. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He started crying in earnest, tears that had nothing to do with the pain and heat that had built up in his backside and everything to do with failure and self-delusion. He had asked John to trust him, to put himself on the line with both Elizabeth and Caldwell and put his life in Rodney’s hands; and he had failed him spectacularly.

John stopped, one of his hands soothingly rubbing Rodney’s back while the other settled around Rodney’s waist, holding him close. “It’s okay. It’s over now.”

Rodney sniffled and hiccuped, allowing himself to accept the comfort that John was offering. He felt some of the guilt that he had been clinging to ever since Doranda slowly slip away and pressed the back of his head against John’s hand, feeling John thread his fingers through his hair. “It’s over? We’re back to normal now?”

“Back to normal.” John maneuvered them so that they were laying on the bed; John on his back and Rodney pressed tightly against his chest, feeling safe and warm with John’s arms wrapped around his back.

They rested until Rodney was completely calm again and began fidgeting. John let Rodney slip from his arms and watched in amusement as Rodney went to the mirror, tugging his pants up a little in order to walk properly. Rodney examined his butt and thighs, twisting around to get a proper view. He traced the edges of the red that colored his skin, gently touching the raised outline of handprints that he could find in a few places.

“I hope that this isn’t what it’s going to take to get back into Elizabeth’s good graces.” Rodney spoke absently.

John, who had been watching Rodney examine himself with a pensive expression, dropped his head back on the bed and just laughed.

**Author's Note:**

> This fic and others can be found on my Dreamwidth fandom journal: [Self-Delusion ](http://welfycat.dreamwidth.org/836.html)


End file.
